kind of a sad day

Today Karen would have been 38. All I could think about today is what she would be like today - two beautiful girls, a great husband, two deranged cats and a big dog. The American dream. Yelling for the girls to settle down while she's on the phone. Making me stay on the phone while she investigated a strange noise. Complaining her husband worked too many hours in the same breath as mentioning how many work people think he's awesome. All this while talking a mile a minute and barely pausing to breathe.

I think her birthday hurts more than the anniversary of her death. Birthdays are about potential and looking forward to what lies ahead in the next year. Yes, they get less exciting as we get older. For me it's always been an annual evaluation of where I want to be in the next year, 5 years, etc. But for Karen, it will always be a reflection on what could have been and isn't. The death of a dream is just as real as a death of a person.

Yes, this is a kind of depressing reflection. Today has just been that kind of day. Here's hoping for a good April Fools Day tomorrow.