Never thought this would happen to me

Here I sit, frozen on the couch. Every so often, I start to hyperventilate. I'm sitting in my pjs, quietly freaking out, not able to focus on much. I cycle through panic attacks every few hours. I am losing my mind. Thank goodness our new work computers were delivered over the weekend and renders my at home access useless. I attempted to log on for an hour before choosing to take a sick day and catching up on the 7th season of Psych. Last week, I had a bad mammogram. They needed to redo it to check on a spot. The second mammogram didn't clear up the first. It was on to the ultrasound, which, of course, is NOT covered by my insurance company. The tech couldn't find what she was looking for, so the dr came in. She couldn't rule anything out, so I was told I need a biopsy. Thankfully, I was able to get an appointment less than a week later. Yesterday was that day. The biopsy itself was a piece of cake. Since I chose not to get a breast surgeon first, the radiologist ran the show. She was awesome beyond words. The procedure was relatively painless. The hard part? Waiting. I have to wait five days for results. What are the chances I have cancer? 36%. Yes, I am a nerd. I researched the bi-rad categories and studied the possibilities. There is a chance. And that possibility brings me back to Karen in 2007, which paralyzes me. I can't even put into words how scared I am. I can't even imagine how scared Karen was. I don't feel I can share what I am going through with anyone until I know for a fact what is going on. I don't want to have so many open questions to deal with. I've closed as many questions as I could, thanks to the medical staff and google, but there are so many more questions I have. I can't talk to anyone who will come in contact with my kids because I don't want the kids to pick up on pity faces. I can't let the kids know what's going on because S won't understand and Trinks will think the worst. Hubs doesn't know what to do, but he did run out for emergency chocolate supplies last night. That works for me. So I'm going to do what I need to do. I'm going to save this in drafts and hope I don't need to dust it off and post it on Friday when I get my results. Well, it's now Friday and I know I don't have cancer. I still wanted to post this so I can remember what I went through. I have to have a follow up mammogram in 6 months, and then annually forever. Am I going to have another biopsy? Probably. Am I at risk to develop cancer? As far as I can tell, my risk is now elevated. I have about 5 pages of notes and research, so at least I have a jump on next time. A glass of wine. And then some time to figure out how to do a second opinion.